With the end of summer nearly here, Almost Real News has compiled a list of our top ways to stay positive as winter approaches.

  • Remember that winter will bring a chance to sport your new Russian fur hat from the Donald Trump Collection.
  • All the local hooligans will soon be locked away in our nation’s schools.
  • You’ll trade the frustrating sounds of going over toys with your lawn mower, for the relaxing sounds of going over toys with your vacuum cleaner.
  • You can finally stop drinking those light, crisp beers that everyone enjoys and switch to those dark, syrupy beers that make people gag.
  • Snowpants!
  • November and December are the two months of the year you actually have an excuse for eating until you want to die.
  • You can stop berating yourself for forgetting to apply sun screen to your red, burnt face.
  • Remember that next summer will be here before you know it. The chances of us all dying in a nuclear war before then are very small – 15 or 20 percent tops.

Almost Real News is a satirical website committed to bringing you stories that are 100% almost true. You can learn more about us and read our disclaimer here.

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