Area grandma Mary Thomas, 82, has confirmed that all she really wants is for everyone to be happy, and to do what she is asking. Nothing would be more gratifying than to see each member of the family overcome with joy, and to be following her wishes without any deviation or improvisation. It would be just heartbreaking if anyone was sad, and not adhering to the explicit instructions set forth before them. But she is hopefull we can all just have fun, and do her bidding immediately.

Almost Real News is a satirical website committed to bringing you stories that are 100% almost true. You can learn more about us and read our disclaimer here.