More than half of Americans now live in states that allow marijuana to be purchased for medical or recreational use. Since referendums on this issue are expected to continue in the years to come, Almost Real News has compiled a summary of the primary arguments for and against legalization to help our readers become more informed voters.

Arguments for Legalizing Marijuana

  • You’ll finally have a reasonable explanation for ordering a Crave Case from White Castle.
  • Tie-dye shirts will become acceptable in public.
  • The strong aroma will help hide the fact that you haven’t showered in a week you dirty, dirty hippie.
  • Your collection of H. R. Pufnstuf VHS tapes will finally become watchable again.
  • Marijuana’s natural calming effects will reduce the anger and shame you feel about not being able to hold a job because you smoke weed all day.  

Arguments Against Legalizing Marijuana

  • America’s youth will become too calm and relaxed for the fear of God to be beaten into them.
  • Tie-dye shirts will become acceptable in public.
  • 70% of the products sold by pharmaceutical companies will no longer be needed, causing the average American’s medical debt to drop to dangerously low levels.
  • Six-month wait list for all planetarium exhibits. 
  • Marijuana is proven be a gateway drug to more harmful activities like listening to Reggae music.

Almost Real News is a satirical website committed to bringing you stories that are 100% almost true. You can learn more about us and read our disclaimer here.

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