A new report from the National Academy of Science and Things has confirmed that clowns hired to entertain at birthday parties only stab a guest about 20% of the time. While the study showed it was very rare for a clown to stab someone at every party they performed at, it was almost equally rare for a clown to have never stabbed at all. “The idea that clown related stabbings follow a tight normal distribution was a totally new finding,” said Dr. Chaz McGill, the E. Monroe Fellow for Birthday Studies. “Now we know that roughly 98% of clowns will stab once every 4 to 6 birthday parties, which is much, much less than anyone predicted.” Given that a typical clown will perform twice on Saturdays and Sundays and then one or two times during week nights, this works out to about one stabbing per week. 

Almost Real News is a satirical website committed to bringing you stories that are 100% almost true. You can learn more about us and read our disclaimer here.

Advertisements