A new report from the National Academy of Science and Things has confirmed that clowns hired to entertain at birthday parties only stab a guest about 20% of the time. While the study showed it was very rare for a clown to stab someone at every party they performed at, it was almost equally rare for a clown to have never stabbed at all. “The idea that clown related stabbings follow a tight normal distribution was a totally new finding,” said Dr. Chaz McGill, the E. Monroe Fellow for Birthday Studies. “Now we know that roughly 98% of clowns will stab once every 4 to 6 birthday parties, which is much, much less than anyone predicted.” Given that a typical clown will perform twice on Saturdays and Sundays and then one or two times during week nights, this works out to about one stabbing per week. 

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