The U.S. House of Representatives passed the American Heath Care Act on Thursday, giving millions of Americans a great incentive to stay healthy.

“I’ve really needed a good reason to start exercising and eating right,” said local welder and cancer survivor Mitch Alden. “Having my insurance premiums get too expensive to keep, is the kick in the pants I need to get back on track. Thanks Paul Ryan!”

Lorrie Wrenner, former travel agent and current pull tab enthusiast, thought the bill would help her too. “Since Obama forced us all to get insurance, I haven’t had any reason to cut back on my two packs of menthols each day. Now that I can’t afford insurance, guess it’s finally time to stop after just one pack.”

Healthcare stocks were down 2% on news of the bill passing while debt collection firms rose 17%.

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