Coach Mike Pence has announced a mandatory lock-in this weekend for all White House staff. The event, which runs from 8pm on Friday through 8am Saturday morning, will take place in the gymnasium of Norman Schwarzkopf High School outside Arlington, VA.

“I’ve had just about enough of the rough housing and name calling around here,” reported Coach Pence. “I get that you boys all want to be tough, but sometimes being tough means holding yourself in check. Yeah, I’m looking at you Bannon and you too Priebus.” Coach continued, “You will each report to the north gym on Friday night with your sleeping bag and notes on tax reform while I get us some pizza and Hi-C. After some dodge ball and rope climbing we might even get some time to revisit Obamacare.”

“Do not be late,” Pence added. “Latecomers will put their sleeping bags under the bleachers, and believe you me, there are some good sized spiders down there.”

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