Almost Real News has compiled a list of our favorite tips for planning a secret meeting with someone from the White House. Whether you represent a powerful fascist government or just some run of the mill billionaire ideologue, our guide provides fool proof methods to ensure your devious plans go off without a hitch.

  1. Wearing something from the Trump brand will likely be taken as a sign of loyalty, but is perhaps a little over done. Standout from the crowd by donning a Lady Gaga-esque meat costume made from 100% Trump brand steak.
  2. Bring hand sanitizer. Lots and lots of hand sanitizer.
  3. If holding the meeting in certain Asian countries, it may be courteous to bring a small gift. In this case, the head of a climate scientist will suffice.
  4. Don’t worry about plans for your secret meeting getting leaked to the media as news of some other ridiculous thing will almost certainly over shadow that by mid-afternoon.
  5. If they want to meet you in a public place they already know, make sure to wear your “MAGA” hat jauntily to one side so they can tell you apart from all the other menacing looking skin heads.
  6. When you first sit down with the representative of the White House, they will probably be a bit skittish. Make them feel more at home by making wild accusations and then randomly repeating anything you heard on Fox News the night before.
  7. Always send a hand written thank you note on stationary from the Trump hotel you are staying at.

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