A recent study from the National Academy of Science and Things has confirmed that the most satisfying part of a father’s day is most often the 20 minutes each morning they spend sitting on the toilet.

The sample of 100 fathers from the ages 27 to 37, who all had healthy children, loving spouses and secure employment, all agreed that those minutes spent hunched over and grunting are really the only reason they get out of bed in the morning. “Between work, running errands and getting the kids from school, my day pretty much sucks,” said local dad Jim Wilson. “Bathroom time is the part of the day when I can take a moment to pause, push to the point of causing a brain hemorrhage and really just be me for a little while.”

In an unrelated study, researchers found that most divorces between parents of small children are caused by one parent suddenly disappearing for 20 minutes everyday when it’s time to get the kids off to school.

Almost Real News is a satirical website committed to bringing you stories that are 100% almost true. You can learn more about us and read our disclaimer here