Local man Eric Schmidt sat down for a quick breakfast this morning and opened the News app on his phone only to die a little bit after reading the day’s headlines.

In the first dozen stories Schmidt learned that several people had recently been murdered, that congress was going to pass a bill effectively ruining the country, and that he almost certainly wasn’t saving enough for retirement. Furthermore, all the health related articles confirmed he was either just about to die or live way, way too long.

At the time of publication, Schmidt had scrolled down far enough to find some Oscar night wardrobe fails which lifted his spirits just enough to put on pants.

Almost Real News is a satirical website committed to bringing you stories that are 100% almost true. You can learn more about us and read our disclaimer here.

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