The National Academy of Science and Things has released a new study showing that people become much happier as they lose the ability to form coherent thoughts. “This new research has so much potential to improve the lives of millions of people with way too many ideas, opinions and observations about what is happening in the world right now,” reported Dr. Chaz McGill.
NAS-T has created a companion report to accompany the study and provide practical strategies for implementing the findings into everyday life. Some of the short term solutions include drinking a bottle of cold medication with every meal and watching a marathon of reality TV.
For longer term results the report suggests various ways to inflict blunt force trauma to the head, while keeping the rest of the body unharmed. “Joining an intramural hockey league is a great way to increase happiness,” said Dr. McGill, “particularly if you wear all the padding but skip the helmet.”
Given the impact of these findings, the Gates Foundation has awarded NAS-T a three year grant to mail out ball-peen hammers and instructional DVDs to populations most burdened with overthinking.
Almost Real News is committed to bringing you stories that are 100% almost true. You can learn more about us and read our disclaimer here.