President Trump announced today that he will take drastic measures to further appease government ethics watchdogs who are concerned about his conflicts of interest.

“Today I will take steps no other president has taken to ensure there are no conflicts of interest between my role as President of this great nation and my tremendous business,” said the POTUS. “I have instructed physicians to physically remove the eyeballs of my trustees making the trust totally blind. Let me be clear, I don’t have to do this. Legally I’m all set, folks. But for you, the American people, I will gouge out the eyes of my CFO and one of my sons, to avoid any suggestion of wrongdoing.”

The move leaves critics scratching their heads, while Trump supporters are calling it “patriotic” and “brave.”

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