The nation’s largest insurance companies have unanimously agreed that living in America is now considered a pre-existing condition and disqualifies policy holders from filing claims.

“Our studies show that most people inside the boarders of the United States appear to be living each day in a rapid cycle of intense news bombardment, a spike in blood pressure and then falling into a deep depression which repeats about every 90 minutes,”¬†said Daniel Hoosier, Excelsior Insurance Company’s Executive Vice President of Actuarial Science and Horoscopes. “This near constant state of stress leads to a host of major diseases such as stroke, diabetes and having your eyeballs shoot right out of your head.”

“Strangely,” Hoosier continued, “crossing the American boarder, say from San Diego to Tijuana or from Buffalo, NY to Niagra Falls, immediately eliminates these problems. As such, in the interest of our shareholders we are discontinuing coverage of anyone physically present on U.S. soil.”

After some initial dismay, millions of Americans were somewhat relieved when remembering they’d soon be losing their insurance through the Affordable Care Act and therefore wouldn’t need to be concerned about this change in policy.

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