President Trump recently had harsh words for the city of Chicago, which has seen a rise in the rates of shootings and homicides.

“I will not stand by and let this happen,” said the President. “If Chicago can’t get things under control I will personally visit the city!” He continued, “Really folks, I will go there and we all know nobody wants that to happen.”

Given Trump has the lowest approval ratings for a new president ever recorded, presumably his threat may actually deter some crime. Jean Philips of the Riverdale neighborhood told Almost Real News, “Well I don’t want to stop smoking meth, but I also don’t want the President anywhere near me or my children. So I’m in a real pickle here.”

As if the publication of this article, violent crimes had dropped 70% while reports of nervous drinking and smoking had risen 300%.

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