In a blow to people sitting down across America, The Center for Disease Control announced today that it was upgrading excessive sitting from “the new smoking” to “the new crack cocaine.”

Explaining the decision, the CDC Chief said, “Americans just aren’t taking seriously how dangerous sitting down is.  We were proud when people began describing sitting as the “new smoking”, but it still hasn’t been enough to reduce excessive sitting across this country.  So, today, we’re officially upgrading the status of sitting from “the new smoking” to “the new crack cocaine.”

Elaborating on why the change was necessary, the CDC Chief claimed “Too many people don’t take smoking that seriously anymore, and many also don’t realize just how addictive sitting really is.  I mean, as soon as I sit down in a comfortable chair, I just don’t want to get up.  It’s so easy to become addicted to sitting, just like crack cocaine.  In fact, many experts agree sitting is even more addictive than crack cocaine.”

President Trump expressed outrage at the decision, saying liberals had now started “a war on sitting” and asking “what’s the point of living in the richest country in the world if we can’t even sit down?”  He promised to quickly replace the CDC chief with someone who was “pro-stitting” and not a “politically correct drug addict.”

Full disclosure- the author who wrote this story was sitting down when she wrote it.

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