Millions of Americans were taken aback today by how many Americans were taken aback by a newly revealed briefing which accuses President-elect Trump of lewd behavior. The real estate mogul has denied the allegations by a former British intelligence officer, but little can be substantiated except for the amount of surprise that people are so surprised.

The report in question describes a supposed business trip to Moscow by Mr. Trump, who is well known to have appeared on the cover of Playboy Magazine and on a bumper sticker of your dad’s car.  Reportedly Mr. Trump, who had a supporting role in three pornographic films and who was supported by your old Sunday School teacher, rented a room at the Ritz Carlton Hotel. It was at that hotel that the PEOTUS, who has suggested he is allowed to grab women by the pussy and who also grabbed your grandma’s vote, rented a room once occupied by the President and Mrs. Obama. 

Almost Real News has declined to elaborate further about the specific allegations made against Trump. We are able to report Trump recently responded to the allegations on Twitter, saying “Fake report has me totally PISSED!” The Tweet has since been removed.

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