The much anticipated confirmation hearing for Attorney General of the United States got underway yesterday, with nominee Senator Jeff Sessions reassuring Senate Judiciary Committee members more than 25 times that he was no longer a racist.

The hearing first started on the topic of torture, one of President-Elect Trump’s key Make America Great Again strategies, to which Mr. Sessions remarked: “I’m not a racist anymore.”  Puzzled, Senators clarified they were asking about torture, to which Sessions clarified, “I’m sorry, I just really want you to know how not racist I am now, especially compared to before.  I am so deeply proud of how little racism is in my heart at this very moment.”

Senators moved on to Mr. Trump’s proposed ban on all Muslims entering the United States, again questioning Mr. Sessions on his views, to which he replied: “I’m not saying I wasn’t a racist before, I mean, look at some of things I’ve said.  I couldn’t even get confirmed to be a Federal Judge when Ronald Reagan was President!  But, let me assure you, I’m not a racist anymore.  My racism is done and over with.”

The hearing finally transitioned to Roe V. Wade which Sessions once called the worst Supreme Court Decision of all time.  Replying to questions, Mr. Sessions said: “No matter how many times you ask about my past racist views, I want to make it clear to you that I’m not racist anymore.  It’s ok for me to be Attorney General because I’m not currently a racist.  I know we can’t go back to America’s racist glory and I promise to suppress any racist views that may or may not pop into my head from time to time.  With my hand on the bible, I promise not to be an actively racist Attorney General.”

Ironically, Democratic Senators did not ask Mr. Sessions a single question about his record of racist remarks which was widely expected to dominate the nomination hearing.

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