A visibly shaken President Obama reassured the nation this afternoon with remarks from the rose garden. ‘We’re all gonna make it out of this alive,’ the President said with a sheen of perspiration on his forehead. ‘Don’t you be worried about that.’

Referring to President-Elect Trump whom he had previously declared unfit for the presidency, ‘He is really growing into the job and I’m sure he’ll be up to the task by Inaguration Day.’ Obama added, ‘In fact, Trump may be the best person to heal the divided nation we live in today,’ right before chewing a mouthful of what appeared to be antacid tablets.

The President did not mince words when asked directly by the Associated Press about Trump’s prior disparaging remarks about women, minorities, and immigrants saying, ‘Well obviously that part isn’t great.’

‘But,’ he added, ‘really he seems like a nice enough guy once you get to know him. He just wants to dismantle everything I’ve done over the last four years. C’est la vie!’

‘I mean I have two daughters myself, and I’m not worried at all,’ Obama said while staring off into the distance. He then remarked, ‘Oh, God.’

At press, a single bead of sweat was running down the President’s temple as he gripped the podium and slowly rocked back and forth.

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